an open space

Band of Horses "No One's Gonna Love You"

october 6

It's been a weird day. Honestly.

I read over old journals I kept in Cambodia and began to cry hysterically. I realize that my greatest weaknesses lie in my conformity and adaptability to society, and that maybe i'm not cut out to live as the stereotypical American might.

Jacob has a theory that its useless to keep pointing the finger at each human's hypocritical action. He found an old binder from high school, an old page of english notes fell out, with this phrase written: I AM SUBJECT.....to change. And that's what he believes we do. We simply change our minds. We're human, and we don't know what we are doing, or what we want.

I feel that the way I live is very selfish and very wasteful. I'm complacent. I live in such excess. I miss living in Cambodia in the way that while I was there, I rarely worried about myself and the things that I worry about now that I'm back at school. I told this to Ryan, and he texted me:

I love you sweet sister. Change your life there. You can do that. Live differently as you feel convicted. Serve others.

Tommy told me about reading a book by Mother Teresa. How she is very moving. Very simple, yet profound. Very black and white. I want to commit to doing things that matter. There are many needs to be met here. There are small things that could make a profound difference. My goal is to make a list of the small things I can do throughout the year, like the routine choices you make everyday or week. And maybe added up could count for a lot. I've decided I'm not going to buy any new clothes for a year. I don't need them. I have plenty already. It's wasteful and unnecessary.

I'll let you know when I've added on to this list, and what meaning God might reveal to my heart.

Please pray for me.