an open space

december 19

Jacob says I am transparent.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I felt upset. What does that mean? That there is nothing to me? That I'm thin and see-through and shallow? Both him and Tiffany ensured me it meant neither and frankly the opposite. Apparently, it's okay to wear your heart on your sleeve, to be sincere and honest and have nothing to hide. I don't know what anyone else sees when they look at me, but sometimes, it hits me, that I might be alright.

I've arrived, at last, in Portland. My flight was cancelled out of Walla Walla yesterday, along with everyone's from now until Monday, but they re-routed me to fly out of Tri-Cities at 6:30am, so Jacob drove me down to Pasco. I felt bad asking him to drive me, because we had to leave immediately, and his clothes were still wet from playing in the snow, but he just said, "This is what friends are for, Trina", and I felt so much better. In TriCities, I stayed the night with Tiffany, whom, it seems, I rarely see in College Place. We stayed up late talking, looking at fonts online, talking about travel, and friendships, and Sufjan. Read Christmas Tube Socks! I remember reading a few years back in the independent some other story he wrote, something about chicken nuggets and macrobiotic star people, and If I've ever felt love, it is all for him.


(this summer, driving before sunrise to the airport in germany)

I flew out this morning, Tiff drove me to the airport at 5:20am. My brother should be arriving in a couple of hours, Monica, a few hours after that, and my parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins will all be flying in tomorrow. I am going to take a shower, show my aunt and cousin some pictures, maybe read some Dave Eggers, or take a nap. It feels nice to do nothing and be expected of nothing else.