an open space

january 3

This Christmas, I spent some time with my cousin Tony, a grunge kid from LA who works really hard but doesn’t take himself too seriously. We were driving to San Luis Obispo, and its been years since we’ve spent longer than an afternoon or a meal-out together. He spends most of his time skateboarding, and goes to high school by correspondence so he can film during the day. He runs the streets of the city most days, immersed in the industry. We made small talk in the car as he brushed his dreading hair out of his eyes.

Once, when I was 15, I went with Tony and his friend Josh to San Francisco, for 4th of July weekend. We dropped them off at certain skate spots while Alane and Mia and I perused different art stores. Tony was only 11 then (now he's 16), and Josh was a year younger than I was. I remember he stared at me the majority of the car ride, and I’d glance his way occasionally and smile awkwardly, and his face wouldn’t change. “You smile a lot,” he said in a sharp voice.

Josh called Tony’s phone, and as he hung up, Tony shook his head. “This is the 3rd time he’s called today. He doesn’t have a phone, so he’ll just go to different places and call me, and I keep telling him the same thing. I’m at my cousins', I can't skate today."

I asked casually how Josh was doing, and he answered, “You know, I’ve known Josh such a long time, and I grew up skating with him, so I always thought he was pretty normal, but I just realize now he really isn’t. He tries to act all chill and friendly when he really has all of these odd OCD idiosyncrasies. He tries to act outgoing, but says things at random times, mostly for shock value, generally just making people feel uncomfortable. It’s funny because this Halloween, his costume, pretty much sums up how he is.”

“Oh yeah, what’d he go as?”

“.....as the government.
He wore a suit and tie and painted his face green, and we went around to certain houses, and after they would open their doors, they just sort of looked at him funny. Some people would ask what he was, and he would yell in their faces ‘the government!’, then sort of grumble off on some tangent. And he had all of these explanations about the suit being corporate americana or the green being the military or greed. Hours passed and the paint job on his face was pretty sketch, patchy in some places, ya know? And if you heard the big long explanation then it sort of made sense, but not really.

And that’s how Josh is. A lot of things have happened to him. He’s a smart guy and he’s funny, but when he calls me up all the time, it just means he has nothing going for him. But you just see him, and he doesn’t seem to make any sense. And only after you hear all the big long explanations and all the pieces of this story, then it all starts to make more sense, but then it still doesn’t really. Ya know?”

And I like stories like this, about people and why we are the way that we are. Where casual conversation can sort of meld into these profound and insightful statements about the beauty and misgivings of humanity. Maybe I'm crazy to think this is all so moving and amazing, but to me it is, because some people (meaning, me) get their ideas from books, but others just experience it, just realize it, just live it.