we will be okay

Lately, these days, I don’t quite feel like I have an adequate outlet. I’ll drive in the car, and just feel elated, listening to Phoenix, soaking in the transience of summer and sunshine and life. And then next, Death Cab’s “Talking Bird” will come on, in a mix I crafted myself, earlier this morning. And I just start to cry, because of this sort of pent-up irrational anticipatory grief I carry around with me, like keys, or a mobile phone, that fits perfectly in my jacket pocket.

I’ve become a softie in a matter of months. Last year I hardly cried at all, which in retrospect, might have been one of the most emotionally challenging years of my life, filled with slow transitions and dysfunctional friendships and dissembling family differences. And while these things may seem trivial to an impoverished third-world orphan, Kristin used to squeeze my arms and tell me, “But it’s your life, your heart, and it matters to you, so therefore, it matters.”

And I realize I’m much more sentimental and effusive than the average person. I cried this morning watching Forbe’s 100 list for richest celebrities, because Angelina Jolie spent a significant amount of money donating to children’s humanitarian funds (along with a chateau in France, with 35 bedrooms). And I cried watching a 30 second commercial for Tom’s Shoes, and my brother just laughed at me, watching them place the tiny shoes on the children’s feet. And I wept listening to a 3 minute clip on NPR’s All Things Considered about the PS22 Chorus, because despite their YouTube success, next year they’re all going to head off to different middle schools, and might never sing with Mr. B again.

And I realize I need to find some sort of balance, between strength and reservation, heart, and empathy. And as far as anticipatory grief goes, I realize some of the things I tell others, I have the hardest time swallowing myself. Such hypocrisy. My conversations as of late, seem to have reoccurring allusions to karma. So maybe karma has its flaws, and is not as mechanical as we would like it to be. But the idea still holds some weight. While much of our lives stand outside of our control, a lot of it doesn’t. Most relationships and jobs are based upon hard work and mutual respect in which we know our limitations and put in the necessary amount of effort and heart. And I believe, that if we uphold integrity, kindness, mercy, benevolence, that most things are going to be okay. Lost a few battles, but won the war. You’ll be okay. I’m okay. We will be okay.