go slow

Most people I've talked to have told me that in the night is when they feel most vulnerable. The night makes their feelings come alive, or exhaustion is known to lower inhibitions, and that is when you're more likely to feel elegiac, or irrationally emotional. Emily came up with a house policy that we're only allowed to cry at night. But I found this mostly works for me the other way around. In the morning, I like to rise up with hopeful breath. That even as I take those automatic, invisible steps, out of bed, brushing the teeth, taking a shower, heading towards class. That everything I do has intentional purpose, meaning, and is going towards a general goal for an ideal future.

Lately these days, I haven't felt that. I sit in classes, feeling barely present at all. My heart feels resistant to make the adjustments it knows it should. And I wake up feeling discontent with the things I know I should do, and am going to do.

But slowly, slowly, as I go through each step of the day. I realize these early dawn feelings slowly fade away. I sit in front of the screen, intentionally focusing on creating something beautiful, and this week has proved, that, I can. That when I look into my heart, that when I try, I am capable. That when I show friendship, and ask for the same in return, what I receive is compliance, and concord. That I am still in control of my own destiny, and that the future will be hopeful. Slowly, slowly, one step at a time, I realize I'm not quite as far off as I think, and everything, while it isn't easy, is still worthwhile, still okay, still exciting, amazing, satisfying.