an open space

I used to object to the idea and sentiment of marriage and the "American Dream". We're all sheep. I felt disheartened by the stereotype or possibility of being subservient. Expectations. Slippers and the newspaper waiting by the leather armchair. Dinner by 5pm sharp. Setting myself up to be commanded things like, "Make me a sandwich, woman."

But as I grow older, I see that people are much more complex than that, and the idea of companionship feels like less of a cliche. I was talking to Abby about how I couldn't bring myself to change for anyone else, or pretend that I wanted to do things that I really didn't, saying, "My pride only keeps me this way," -- "No," she interrupted, "its your integrity."

I had a conversation last week with a friend, who said, she started to date a guy in which, when she was around him, just felt like she could empty all the air from her lungs. Breathe this deep sigh of relief so sincere and content. She could just be. But soon it became boring, bothersome. She wanted someone who could and would push her to grow and to stretch and to better herself.

Last week I talked to a guy in the library for hours. After the library closed we stood outside still laughing, talking and joking about silly things. And I just found myself thinking, how I might like to date someone like him, where it would just be fun and uncomplicated.

The same friend, continued on to say, that one of her biggest fears, more than never finding anyone, is marrying someone who could never fully understand the intricacies of her heart, who, in their interactions and connections, could never penetrate or explore the deep completeness of her self. I'm sort of ruining her thoughts though, because I can't remember fully what she said, and she is very well-expressed, but I hope you get the idea.

Another friend of mine, told me, that in order for any relationship to really work, "the chemistry just needs, to like, "just pop, ya know?" And you would just have this indescribable feeling that everything was right, and if you had any doubts in your mind, they were complete providence that it wasn't mean to be. I nodded but inside I whole-heartedly disagreed.

And it hit me today, that I'm through with the illogic and fluff of feelings and sparks and idealism. I don't want the things that are simple and easy and uncomplicated. I want things with substance, that hold weight, that will last and grow. And I sat wondering in silence if that whole idea is flawed, or not. Or maybe I'm just a masochist, who doesn't think it is exciting or interesting enough. Sometimes I'll catch myself being completely rational, and I'll have no idea who I am.

I read this today, from a short story, where a woman writes her fiance a letter. And after I read it, I felt sad.

"For a long time, after we are married, we will forget we are man and woman," she wrote, "We will be human beings. You must remember that I am ignorant and often I will be very stupid. You must love me and be very patient and kind. When I know more, when after a long time you have taught me the way of life, I will try and repay you. I will love you tenderly and passionately. The possibility is in me or I would not want to marry at all. I am afraid but I am also happy." {Sherwood Anderson}