an open space

december 17

Participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your blessings. {liz gilbert}

I need to remember this.

Today, I am so sad I could throw up. No worse, there is none.... (g.m. hopkins)

Let me tell you who I am. I don’t know really, quite yet, anything other than facts or statistics, like that I am almost 5’1”, but not quite, and I say I don’t like the phone, but I talk an awful lot on it anyways, and I spent all last year in Cambodia teaching english, loving kids unconditionally, so lonely, trying to make sense of this thing called life and living.

Since then I’ve returned to college. In so many ways, things are much better. Community is important, its vital to the soul. But in a lot of ways I feel I am a worse person because of it. Yes, this needs re-articulating.

Change happens, for better and worse. Everything changes, everything keeps moving forward. But everything is backwards, entropy is everything, love and hate breathe the same air, every fiber of my being is filled with misgivings. I’ve become less tolerant, more frustrated, more aware and bothered by others' ignorance. I crave simplicity, balance, pragmatism. I have none of these things. I feel more drained then filled by major relationships that I have chosen to take part in. And sometimes I communicate the worst with the people that I care the most about.

What needs fixing? What can be fixed? What is worth fixing?

Then days like these come, when everything is just too much, and I need to breathe deeply and cry and self-lobotomize, or my just insides might erupt, (because that Chilean proverb about density of soul is a load of crap, or maybe it's not, but it just doesn't work for me) just wondering when I should just let it all go, but not really; pushing everything further down inside.